Two weeks
ago, and last week. July
7, 2023
‘Can you thank Me for
trusting you with this experience even if I never tell you why?’
Helen Roseveare shared that God spoke to her the above
words within her situation of suffering https://youtu.be/b-BLCXWfXPs
Hearing the above words is like aha, say what?
I am feeling ashamed that I have never heard my
circumstances so ‘clearly’. I remind myself in my down moments that I am
privileged to be able to take care of Anke and Markus. That my family is my
life assignment.
But reading and understanding that God wants me to
thank him for trusting me with my circumstances? Trusting Him for
allowing Anke and Markus in my life? Wow!
So I want to ‘speak it: thank you, God, for trusting
me enough to have Anke and Markus in my life. To equip me to love them even
more than what I think I would’ve loved them were they ‘normal’.
Another day closer…
It is the 7th early morning continental
breakfast for a B & B guest. I put in great effort sourcing, preparing, and
presenting the breakfast. This breakfast is part of my primary source of
income. This is what I do in helping generate my portion of the income we need for
our monthly budget in managing our family of 5 adults. I am happy to be able to offer this service.
In the process of preparing the breakfast I became
aware of something sticky on my right-hand thumb. Without my reading glasses I
saw tomato sauce on my thumb? But I did not use tomato sauce? After licking the
red stuff off my thumb, I realized it was blood, I cut myself without even
realising it. But how and where?
Loadshedding is not helping.
Am I losing it now? I am in my 71st year on earth (after all) and another day closer to my end? Is this part of my writing on the wall, part of my getting older script?
But what about Anke and Markus?
Nah! I am working on rescripting things in my being.
My thought processes. God is trusting me with Anke and Markus! Do I trust God
trusting me?
A parent is a parent and caring for their child is in the parent job description. Lifelong. God trust a parent by giving him/her a life assignment called a child. Be it hard or not.
Parenting
is part of our sanctification process.
Caring for Anke and Markus teaches me ongoing life
changing lessons. Not to give up. To actively (try and) see clearly in every
moment of my existence. That every moment is enough. God has only my best
interest at heart. That I am loved. God trusts me. He has been by my side as
father to Anke and Markus for more than 43 years. Sanctification. Submitting. Day
by day. It is enough.
My severely disabled beautiful children, nonverbal
with sensory issues and no self-care.
It is tough.
Some days I feel only like a personal care attendant
of two strangers who cannot walk or talk, two people I happen to love so very
much that it sometimes hurts. Can you thank Me for trusting you. Lying
awake sometimes at night thinking how much I long for my real children. Wont they
please come back. Please! Can you thank Me for trusting
you.
I find myself in uncharted territory with my children
even to this day. Forty-three years later, especially at age 71.
This past Sunday. Mustering the strength to give Anke
and Markus a haircut. I call it hair cutting acrobatics. Anke hates it most of
the time, protesting until I have finished cutting her hair. Markus is so weak
that I have mastered the skill of cutting his hair with him lying on a plastic
sheet on the carpet. I literally climb all over him in a squatting position
lifting his head as needed to get to all sides. It is challenging and at the
same time very funny. I am exhausted afterwards. My reward? They look more
beautiful than half an hour earlier! And I love them with fresh love.
Post haircut. My body aches more than usual but I am
okay. I shower to rid myself of all the fine hairs Anke brushes off on me. My
body hurts. Then what happens from time to time, while showering after such hair
cutting intimate interaction with Anke and Markus I find myself crying thinking
of the craziness of all of this. I would rather have my children go to a hair
salon, maybe drink a coffee while waiting their turn. But then again this is
what it is, repeating the hair cutting ritual hopefully only in 5 weeks’ time
again. Can you thank Me for trusting you.
The Anke and Markus scheme of things is in a sense scarier
in terms of our reality of getting older. It is scary seeing Anke and Markus getting
older and weaker. Seeing us getting older and weaker. Please God help me
trusting you!
